I still can't escape with the ghost inside me..

I miss him,

I think what inspire me now to write again is because of the undying love i have for him.. call me insane.. call me a fool but I really can't move on.. Why can't we just choose someone else to love? He was once mine.. for more than 6 years.. and now he is already owned by someone else.

The last time I was with him..

I played the song "Tell Me"

I cried.. I felt the pain once again...

I asked him, "Bakit nangyari ung ganito sa'tin?"

He said, "Akala ko ba naiintindihan mo ko?"

Yes I do.. kya kahit minsan i did not feel any anger.. I'm just hurt coz I was left behind..

Cguro nalungkot ka nung malayo tyo sa isa't isa...

Cguro siya ung dumamay sa'yo nung nag iisa ka dun..

For how long mo ba xa naksama dun?

Months?? 5 Months?? 6?? 7??

Dinamayan ka niya ng ilang buwan ...

Pero tayo.. ilang taon tayo nagtulungan? Nagdamayan.. Nagmahalan?

Paano mo nagawang ipagpalit ung years na pinagsamahan natin dahil lang may dumamay syo ng ilang buwan nung malayo ka?

That was the first and last time that I blamed him..

And everytime I am seeing on his fb account ung mga post nung girl sa wall nya taz magccoment xa.. I feel like I want to die because of jealousy.. Kse he once told me those words...

But life is a matter of choice.. he choose her..

I decided to be like this..

I tried to love someone else.. but I can't..

I still can't escape with the ghost inside me..

Will it be like the “One More Chance Movie”?

I feel pain.. I feel numb.. I feel happy.. mixed emotions
and sometimes I feel like I don’t really know what to do what to feel.

Pain — kla ko I’m totally over you, but why am I still hurtin? dahil ba hindi ko matanggap na meron na xang iba? dahil ba xa pa rin ang gusto mkasama? dahil ba narramdaman ko pa rin that he cares? dahil ba mahal ko pa rin xa? dahil ba kahit ilang libong beses ko nang sinabi na move on na ko, i still want to be with him?

Numb — i know gs2 ko rin kung anu man ang nangyayri ngaun, kse for the past years, months, weeks na hindi kmi okay nssktan ako, and now it’s totally over feel ko natapos na lahat ng pain,, time na lang ang kailangan pra mkalimutan lahat,. minsan nrrmdmn ko that i am okay, i am looking to the brighter side of what happened, that i will aim bigger, will do better, kse i am alone, single ako and i dont need to think of anyone but myself..

Happy - msaya ako. no regrets, nagagawa ko ang gusto ko nasasabi ko ang gusto ko without thinking if may magseselos ba.. naapreciate ko ang lasa ng chilled san mig, uuwi ako kahit anong oras na gusto ko. pupunta kahit saan, kahit sino gs2 ko samahan. hindi ko kailangan mag paalam.. feel ko i am free.. sa 22o lang.. it’s a good feeling..

I was inspired by the movie “One More Chance” hindi ko pa rin maiwasan na isipin na sana maging katulad ng One More Chance movie ang maging life nmin. un bang pagdating ng tamang panahon pag pareho na kming okay pag pareho nang may direction buhay namin we will be together again and start a new life.. and again i am just looking to the bright side of our story, siguro naiintindihan namn ako ng mga tao sa paligid ko kung ganito nararamdaman ko. we were both suffocated ung bang feeling na pag mahal mo isang tao., pinag kakait mo xa sa iba.. kulang na lang pati paghinga nya ikaw pa mag ddictate. I have to admit that I’ve been so selfish, hindi ko inintindi ung mga gusto nyang gawin. yung para sa sarili nya till it came to a point na hindi na healthy ung relationship nmin.. Hindi na xa masaya at ganun din ako… So we let each other go…

Nasaktan ko xa ng sobra, and though he promised that he won’t do what i did siguro hindi p rin mwala sa knya na na hurt ang ego nya and now he is letting me feel kung anu ngwa ko sa kanya.. at sino ako pra magreklamo, sinu ako pra msktan at sumbatan xa? In the first place ako ang nauna.. I asked him, mas minahal mo kya ako kse ngawa mong ibalik ung love ko syo nung time na binitawan na kita hindi ka sumuko pro ako gumive up ako agad when it’s my turn to prove how much I love you? O mas minahal kita kse ngwa ko bumalik syo when u asked me to? of course pareho nmin hindi alam ang sagot.. anyway hindi nmn sukatan yan kung sinu ms ngmahal…

Now we’re okay we see each other, he is still asking me to be with him, at ako nmn hindi makatanggi.. we’re friends, we still care. I want to tell him that I want him back kso di ko kya. I don’t know kung dahil takot ako na ayaw nya.. or takot ako na baka hindi namn tlga un ung gusto ko mangyari, na baka if he is back ako ung hindi maging masaya..

What if this is really what both of us needed? We need to be strong. Magiging mahirap at masakit pero hopefully all the pain will be worth it.